Our communities are stunned upon learning of the fatal accident that led to four deaths last night. Four young men, students from a yeshiva, perished, leaving their families, classmates, and many, many others in saddened shock and devastation. Chai Lifeline Crisis services have been active since word of the tragedy emerged, and those calling the crisis lines are being guided on a range of matters. Please utilize this brief document in addressing your own reactions and those of others who may turn to you.
- This is a very raw tragedy, and the bereft families deserve time to bond and address their reactions. Before contacting them, unless you are very close friends or relatives, we recommend giving them time and space. They need and deserve privacy right now
- Focus on your own reactions first. Self-awareness is a vital step in facing the onset of personal distress. Monitor your reactions, whether in your feelings, your worried thoughts, your physical wellbeing, or other internal struggles. Identify your internal reactions, which are going to be very normal responses to tragic news
- It is normal to grieve, to be sad, to be shocked, to worry, to be fearful, or to be numb. It is not particularly normal to have no reaction at all
- It is important to turn to someone whom you trust and who cares about you, in talking through your – and their – feelings at this time
- There will be levayas, and if you plan to attend, consider that your young children may not be prepared to witness a funeral. If you have older children who plan to attend, please prepare them in advance as to what will take place, and discuss their reactions following the funeral
- Your family members will learn about this as the days pass, so be prudent in determining when and if to discuss this with them pre-emptively. Going into minute or graphic details is never advisable. Sugarcoating horrible news is never helpful. Respond to children’s questions in brief, clear terms about the reality that young men have died, but do so in ways that are not alarming and will not trigger dreadful fears in your children. Do not answer questions that they are not asking you
- Be honest with your feelings: if you are sad, you acknowledge this to your children rather than masking it. But with young children, do not be dramatic in a way that will frighten them as to your own stability and ability to protect and care for them
- Many questions arise following a tragedy. The “why did this happen” question is not one that anyone can answer, so this and other “why” questions are not a useful focus. No one has “the reason” or explanation for someone else’s tragedy, so refrain from going in that direction
- Coping and mental hygiene hinge on returning to our routines, our schedules, and engaging in productive structure in our lives. Aim to get into your life rhythm as a tool for adjusting, while also being conscious of your internal reactions, and talking them through
- HaChai yiten el libo: each of us can benefit by contemplating, over time, what we can do in moving forward, to be good people, good Jews, loving parents, and appreciating that we are alive. This is the best time to stay close with those whom we love and who need us
- Be a role model to others about how a Jewish adult with yiras Shomayim responds during times of tragedy.
Chai Lifeline Crisis Services can be reached at 855-3-CRISIS. New Jersey families can contact njcrisisis@chailifeline.org and New York families can contact crisis@chailifeline.org for additional guidance and support.
